Un-Clench

We've all done it.

You're watching a kick-ass MMA, Jiu-jitsu, or Karate movie. The fight starts getting intense, the choreography is on point, the lighting is pristine.

You catch yourself enamored with each punch or choke hold and YOU. ARE. INVESTED. Some people experience this internally, displaying no outward signs of distress. Others experience both internal and external signs. One of the most common external symptoms is “joining the fight”. Most of us will find ourselves clenching our jaw, grunting along, swinging back and forth with closed fists, clenching the Gluteus Maximus as we throw punches and kicks alongside our brave hero.

“Sweep the leg, Johnny!”

Once the fight has come to a close, you find yourself slowly disengaging from the adrenaline induced shadow boxing incident, and your nervous system works to regain balance, slowly returning to homeostasis. Or, in my case, ‘just good enough that you don’t feel like you belong in an urn somewhere’.

This is what I like to call "Retreat and Recover".

You tighten - “Retreat” - to protect yourself from whatever's incoming. 

Then when the threat is less imminent, you finally relax - “Recover” - allowing your dysregulated system to put itself back to whatever your normal is.

And LORT, how that cycle drains every ounce of remaining energy that's been allotted in that day's tank. 

Along the same lines of dysregulation, when someone is in an abusive relationship - emotionally, mentally, or physically - we often find ourselves clenching those muscle groups out of fear. There are three common reactions or responses that occur when faced with a perceived threat.

1) Fight: Stand your ground and do whatever it takes to utilize that newly flushed adrenal system to win at all costs.

2) Flight: Get the heck out of dodge and hope you don’t get caught.

3) Freeze/Fawn: Freezing in place unable to move or say anything because your body doesn’t know which route to take for survival. Much like the ‘deer in headlights’. It’s almost as if our internal alarm system thinks that we won’t be a threat, or the abuser can’t see is if we don’t move. Not dissimilar to the way the trapped vacationers at Jurassic Park were instructed to do when in the path of T-Rex.

We'll tackle those “fun” trauma responses another time. We’ll look at their descriptions as well as importance to maintaining our prized position as “top of the food chain”. That will likely tackle Trauma Bonds. Those are ‘fun”, too.

But I digress…

So being a victim of abuse, try to imagine remaining in that aggressive, tense, stressful fighting stance for 80% of your day. Every day. For days. Weeks. Months. Years. As long as it takes while you continue to consider the relationship “viable”. And yes, I use that term loosely. The second abuse starts, one should recognize the relationship is no longer worthy of being deemed “viable.”

So, it’s not hard to comprehend why our bodies deteriorate, succumbing to pain and illness much easier than those who have never experienced trauma or abuse. Our systems are genuinely tapped out, exhausted, and compromised.

These aftereffects and triggers can last an insane amount of time, too. I read a study that said, “Victims of physical and emotional abuse can often take up to 8 years to heal and move forward with little to no triggers or trauma responses”. It takes time, focus, dedication, outside support, the will to succeed, therapy, and in some cases a combination of medication with all these steps to reach a manageable state of repair.

It’s not an easy decision to finally cut the cord and work on your safety and healing. I know that firsthand. It took me months to finally bite the bullet. And that was after 10 months of abuse, which evolved to a degree that was so degrading - even a little embarrassing - that I truly had to reach what many mental health professionals call your “breaking point”.

Getting away from that toxic and dangerous relationship, working on your mental health, and working toward a new normal will eventually realign the nervous and limbic systems. They will eventually revert to factory settings and protect the very important, yet fragile physical being that is YOU. 

I've finally found my way to a healthy space, with healthy people, and I'm working on my healing now. And once I finally faced the man who took me through the scenic route to our final stop at 'Destination Degradation', I began working toward helping other women repair and rebuild their lives. With each passing day, the clenching occurs less and less. 

I'll be honest, though.... It is rather disheartening to know that all those clenches didn't give me a butt like J.Lo. ☹️😂

I’ve shared a few screenshots below of our text chain showing how quickly one can be a beggar, then quickly revert to the victim. I won’t be the “Shell of Bree” anymore. I’m working daily to restore and flourish.